my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
