why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
