just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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