Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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