What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
