Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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