i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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