I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
