It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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