It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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