i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
