were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
