i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
