I'm lost and stupid without you.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
