I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
