She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
