: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
