My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
