im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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