At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize