I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
