I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
