Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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