If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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