wakey wakey hands off snakey
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
