she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
