I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
