I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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