Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
