I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize