I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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