That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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