Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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