My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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