tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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