our cab driver is having phone sex.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
