Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
