I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He has the fingertips of a God
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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