chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
