I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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