I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
