I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize