Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
