Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
