sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize