I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
