he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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