remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
