so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
