im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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