i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
