Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
