I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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