@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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