First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
