the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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